Author: Susan

On My 25th Birthday Eve

Thoughts

I spent my last evening as a 24-year-old treating myself to some delicious (and expensive) sushi while reading articles about “turning 25.”

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my last meal as a 24-year-old – #treatyoself

I’ve been feeling pretty sad and emotional the last few days, partially because Chase just left after spending two weeks here in HK visiting me, and partially because I don’t really want to turn 25. It feels like being 25 is such a big milestone – a lot of the articles I was reading tonight talked about how people freak out when they’re about to turn 25 because you’re a quarter of a century old and you look back and are just like, “What am I doing with my life? What do I want to do?” And it’s a hard question to answer. I’m not sure that I am where I want to be at all, and it’s scary to think that I’m only growing more adult and less child and I’m worried I’ll be unsure forever. Since this blog is a way for me to figure out my life, and I’m now reaching the end of my 24th year, and I’m feeling kind of nostalgic, I want to look back at the different stages of my life and the most meaningful takeaways from each period:

1. (Age 0-7) Childhood in Japan. I truly think being raised in Japan set the stage for being a courteous, polite, considerate member of society from a young age. I love that Japan is very much a part of my identity even though I have no Japanese blood, and I will always remember how sad seven-year-old me was to leave the only home I’d ever known – I was already emotional at a young age.

2. (Age 7-10) Assimilating to North America. This was pretty challenging for me, because I had to learn a new language (English), make new friends, and basically adjust to a completely new environment. I remember missing home (read: playing harmonica upside down while crying), but I know that this was a crucial time period for me to learn to be adaptable, flexible, and malleable.

3. (Age 10-14) Discovering my skills/what I’m good at. Late elementary school and junior high was when I started to discover what I was good at and what I liked to do. I’m ever-thankful to my 5th grade teacher, Mr. Gowler, for giving me a 105 on my exposition essay about flamingos. In all seriousness, though, during this time period I had not only become fluent in English but also was placed in advanced/gifted programs, and started feeling like I was actually good at something (in this case, school).

4. (Age 14-18) My Glory Days, aka High School. I cannot stress how much high school shaped me into today-me. I had the most incredible teachers and coaches, who helped me to become so confident in who I was and mentored me to be a better student, better leader, and a better person. I like to call high school my Glory Days because I got voted Homecoming Queen (lololol) but even that, to me, was a testament to how being nice and talking to everyone indiscriminately is just…right. Also extremely important to me was Snowball, which helped me uncover my passion for uniting people across cliques/social circles/academic backgrounds and really getting to know each other as peers on a deeper, more meaningful, dare I say life-changing, level.

5. (Age 18-21) College Transformation. I became super Christian for the first three years of college, which in a way was great because it only deepened values that I already deemed important: loving others, being caring and kind, looking out for the less fortunate, etc. While I unfortunately eventually fell away from the actual theological aspect of religion, I think that the way it helped my heart to develop was crucial in my role as an RA junior and especially senior year. Being an RA meant the world to me and is to date THE best job I’ve ever had by far. I loved my residents to death and once again I realized just how much I care about caring, how much I care about building community and about peoples’ well-being and happiness.

College is also where I discovered that I was no longer that special or unique, because literally everyone else around me was just as, if not more, intelligent, successful, and driven.

6. (Age 21-24) Real Life. I started working at a large bank out of college, following the path I’d chosen by studying finance and management. Living in New York was a struggle in the beginning; I didn’t particularly care for the city (it just wasn’t a great fit for me, I thought) and I was still trying to figure out how to build my career, how to make the most my position, and how to be proactive. It’s fun being an adult and having ownership of your finances (read: buy whatever food I felt like buying), but I struggled to find the union between career and passion. To compensate for that, I got involved in “extracurricular” activities. I’m not sure how useful that ultimately was in helping me bridge that gap between career and passion, but it at least got me thinking about this: I’m not drawn to social ventures or nonprofit just for the sake of “doing good,” but I do want to make a difference – nonprofit or not – in an industry or topic that I actually feel passionate about.

7. (Age 24-Now) Back to Asia. I never, in a million years, thought I’d get to work in Asia. But as it was, I got the incredible opportunity to work in Shanghai for 9 months, and am now working in Hong Kong for 9 more. The pros are too many to count: I’ve made so many new friends, learned a new sport, ate amazing food, and have just had so, so, so much fun. The flip side is this: I’ve essentially put on hold the journey to discover what I’m “passionate” about, instead continuing to work in the same industry/department (slightly different roles) as I have been since I’ve graduated. Don’t get me wrong – I’m so thankful that I have gotten these opportunities through my company. And the life experiences I’ve gained from the past year are absolutely irreplaceable – in fact, I would call this past year one of the best years of my life – but that being said, I’ve been incredibly hedonistic and very lazy in figuring out my actual goals in life, choosing instead to just go out and play basically every day after work.

And that’s where I am now, on the cusp of turning 25 – sitting in my room in Hong Kong, musing about where on earth my life is meant to go. So…where does this all leave me?

If there’s anything I’ve realized more and more over the last few years, it’s the fact that I’m not that talented, I’m not that unique, and I’m not that special. And I don’t mean it in a self-deprecating way, I’m just being realistic: I’ve met so many people, and read about so many others, who are far more accomplished, successful, and talented than I am. But most importantly, I’ve realized the one trait they have in common (which I really lack), and that is discipline. I look at my friends that I most admire and consider most successful – Chase, Sanette, Nelson – and I see how hard they work, how much time they put into achieving their goals. Whether they’ve reached that goal yet or not, I’m confident that they eventually will because of their hard work combined with existing talent. Any start-up book will tell you that a successful startup comes from working hard, not from having a unique idea; and while there are those who work hard without ever getting that lucky break, I know that there will never be success without first putting in the hard work.

In my last hour as a 24-year-old, I implore myself: I’m about to be 25 years old, and I HAVE to stop wasting my life. I have to stop wasting time on Facebook or reddit or whatever it is that I spend my time doing and start actually being dedicated, being diligent, being not only ambitious but also hardworking – because that’s when I will truly become successful. Maybe I still won’t figure out my passion right away. But the only way to get there is to put everything I have into whatever inklings are already there and to give it my 110%.

So there we go…25, here I come! 

On Inspiration

Thoughts

I didn’t think it could hit me like this, after six years. But it can, and it did. God, I miss you, I miss our friendship. Never thought I could sit here, halfway across the world, and still find myself sobbing while reading through our old memories. Six years, gone in a flash.

I’m disappointed in what I haven’t accomplished, I’m disappointed that I haven’t lived up to what you believed I could do. I swear I’ll keep trying and make you proud.

“…i’m so glad that we got close this year…i’m sad that it took until this year to get close. i love you and i know you will do amazing things in life. oh yeah, don’t forget me because i won’t forget you!”

You inspire me, always. I’ll never forget you.

On Self-Glorification

Thoughts

Ahhh, long time no update here! I’ve actually been writing/maintaining a separate blog called Shiranigans in Asia, which chronicles my life as I live abroad in Asia. However, I haven’t forgotten about this dear blog. In fact, I’ve been struggling lately with a concept I haven’t consciously thought about – or maybe admitted to myself – in a while. This concept is self-glorification, as the title may suggest.

You know, I started this blog – Seeking Something Splendid – with the intent that slowly but surely, I could find my place in this world. What I can do to make a difference, to do something important and meaningful and useful and helpful to society. But the selfish motivation still stands there behind it all: part of why I want to do something “great” is because, I’ll admit, I want to be remembered. I want to be admired for what I’ve done; I want to be recognized for my contributions to society; I want to be “famous” in a good way. The problem is, I haven’t done much to warrant any of that yet.

In fact, if anything, I’ve been more focused on the ends – my reputation, wanting to be known as a “good” person, etc – much more so than the means. Here are a few examples of how I can tell I’m doing this:

  • I’m aiming for more “likes” by posting more on social media like Instagram and Facebook (I notice this because my wall is starting to become all posts by me).
  • I’m hoping to be seen by my increased use of hashtags on Instagram and Twitter, both of which used to be but are no longer set to Private (you see, if it’s private, then strangers will never see you).
  • I’m posting lots of articles that are about causes that I do truly care about, but not only to spread awareness about the cause (it’s also to spread awareness about how I’M a good person because I care about social causes).

Thankfully, I’m getting sick of it. Even I notice how little substance there is in just posting stuff without actually DOING anything. I read an article the other day on Cracked called “6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person” – the article was actually published in 2012 but so popular that they just re-publish it every year. One of the harsh truths – which in fact was not that harsh, and I liked reading it – was that caring about things is kind of useless if there are no actions to back it. I can see how true that is in my life at the moment; I’m doing plenty of “sharing” to show that I care about things, but it doesn’t actually contribute to anything…other than my self-glorification.

As some of you may know, I worked in Shanghai for the past nine months and now am based in Hong Kong for another nine months. Since living abroad, I’ve spent way too much time just having fun and showing it off via pictures – and way too little time actually Seeking Something Splendid. There’s nothing wrong with having fun, of course, but it’s totally, 100% just for my own pleasure. And since I’m too busy living my hedonistic life, I take the easy way out for “making a difference”: I share articles. I talk about stuff I care about – but don’t actually take action. I’m constantly broadcasting, but rarely actually doing.

I think my heart is there. I do genuinely care, and I love reading articles by/for do-gooders like my previous professor, Adam Grant, or by/for people struggling with causes I’m passionate about, like bullying and depression. But as I grow up (wah) I am also starting to appreciate that sometimes, caring isn’t enough. Maybe it’s a start, but it’s not enough. And no amount of self-glorification – no matter how much I try to convince the outside world, or even myself – constitutes something to be admired if I don’t actually do anything to earn it.

While I still have a long way to go, thank goodness I’ve finally taken the time to admit this to myself. I’m a long way from being where I hope to be one day, but it’s a start. Baby steps, right?

On Vacation

Thoughts

About a week ago, I was just wrapping up a five-day vacation in Cancun. I was lucky to have a friend getting married there (and I got to be one of her bridesmaids!), which of course gave us all an excuse to go on vacation at a beautiful resort.

I wanted to blog almost immediately after coming back, but I forced myself to give it a week or so to digest the thoughts that overwhelmed my mind. Everyone kept asking, “How was Cancun?” and it was easy to give the generic answer: “It was awesome. It was so beautiful. It was relaxing. It was amazing.” But the thing is, this vacation was so much more than that, and so much more than I had expected. I came back not only physically and mentally refreshed; I also came back with my heart overwhelmed by gratitude for my life.

That might sound kind of dramatic (consistent with my personality), but let me explain. While we were at the all-inclusive resort, our every need and want was catered to and waited on. The people of Mexico were kind, cheerful and so hospitable during our stay there, whether it was at the hotel itself or on a tour bus to the Chichen Itza. For all the great service we had during our time there, however, there was also a nagging thought at the back of my mind: B and I were totally conscious of the fact that the standard of living for some of the people there was so far in contrast to the luxury we were enjoying during our all-inclusive vacation. We saw it in the men, women, and children walking up and down the beaches trying to sell us purses and bracelets; we saw it in the tour guides and performers who hoped graciously for tips; we saw it in the street vendor at Chichen Itza who had so much competition and was desperate for a sale.

It tugged on my heartstrings a little bit and almost made me uneasy – I felt guilty bargaining with the street vendor when a $5 difference probably meant much more to him than to me. But I was humbled to see the cheerful spirits of most people we came across; for all my worries about a “lacking” standard of living, my arrogant pity at seeing the tour guide change into a frayed shirt after his job – I realized that these people shone with positive attitudes, embodied on happier faces than many I see in my day-to-day life in New York City.

Even though I don’t know whether or not these people were actually happy – for all I know, maybe they were just really good at putting on a positive front – the happiness of those who I perceived to have “less” than me, in turn, made me so grateful for what I have in my life today.

So that’s what I came back with: renewed gratitude for what I have in my life, as it is now. Too often, I’m complaining. I’m dissatisfied, I’m annoyed, I’m jealous. I’m all these negative feelings that are completely unwarranted. They say that one habit of people who are happy is that they remember to be thankful, and I think that’s the reason I’ve felt so refreshed and genuinely happy after my Cancun vacation: it reminded me to be thankful. I’m thankful for my family and my friends, for the love that they give me even when I’m at my worst. I’m thankful for my education, my job and the opportunities that have come with both. I’m thankful to be living in such a cool city, one that people come from all over the world to visit. I’m thankful for my hobbies, my upbringing, my life.

I would say this is the best souvenir I could have brought back. Thankful for this vacation and especially thankful for my friends Chrissy and John, whose beautiful wedding and steadfast love just filled my heart with so much happiness!

On Doing Stuff Alone (Part 2)

Thoughts

Today, I had another alone day (although not completely by choice, I’ll admit). I’ve been in Alexandria, Virginia – right outside of Washington DC – for the weekend, and was left today to figure out how exactly to spend my day all by my lonesome.

Surprisingly (or dare I say – unsurprisingly?), I had an amazing day. I started by slowly strolling along the Potomac River and followed some signs to a park where a festival was taking place to commemorate the bicentennial something or other of the War of 1812 (although, given that this is 2014, it’s technically bicentennial + 2 years, no?). As I was about to leave, I caught sight of a bunch of people dressed up in colonial gear with musical instruments – a drum corps from the Army, they marched to the park and proceeded to play patriotic tunes while marching around. Army drum corps in colonial gear, playing patriotic songs in front of the Potomac River – I would say this is as America as it gets. In fact, I think that’s how I would sum up Old Town Alexandria, VA – “As America as it gets.” Anyway, the drum corps was awesome!

Afterwards, I wandered around and saw a cute cobblestone street, walked into a Christmas attic store and did some shopping at a boutique called Lou Lou’s. I then went back to Killer ESP, a coffeeshop where we’d gotten gelato the day before, to grab a salted caramel soy latte (seriously amazing – also, free WiFi at this place!), settle down, and write a birthday card for a friend. All this because I was biding/killing time until a piano performance at the Lyceum by pianist Thomas Pandolfi. I had never heard of him before but was excited by the program, which I’d found online last night.

I was probably one of the only people under the age of 50 at this recital, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I sat in the second row, right in the middle, with an amazing view of the pianist, his hands, and his feet. The program that had been posted online was wrong, so he did not play Chopin’s Fantasie Impromptu or Gershwin’s Rhapsody. He did, however, play Beethoven’s famous Sonata Pathetique as well as various other tunes that I was able to recognize. It reminded me how much I really love classical piano music (with the exception of Debussy – he played two Debussy pieces, including Claire de Lune, and I remembered again how I strongly dislike the impressionisticky/too-lyrical sounds of Debussy). I was especially impressed by the Chopin Etudes and the intimate setting of the concert really engaged me much more than I expected. It also went for two hours – also longer than I’d expected, but again, I was so happy to be there and had such a great time listening and watching him perform.

After the concert, I went to a Greek restaurant that we’d walked past the day before. They had taramasalata on the menu posted outside, so there was no question of where I was going to eat my early dinner. I asked for a table for one and actually had such a wonderful experience. Loved the ambiance of the restaurant, loved the food – the tastes were flavorful and just really delicious – loved the service, and actually really loved eating by myself. I wonder if eating alone (and not being able to talk, really) made me enjoy the food more, because you actually think more about what you’re eating and the flavors that are in your mouth.

It’s interesting because, while I thoroughly enjoyed my day/meal alone, I was texting a friend who expressed being tired of eating alone because it felt lonely. I think that there’s a difference when you eat alone or go out alone because you choose to have an alone day for yourself versus when you eat alone because you’re new to a city or don’t know anyone to go out with. It’s been a cool experiment to try to do stuff myself, but I’m also fully aware that it might seem more “fun” because I’m consciously choosing to go out alone.

Thank you, Alexandria, for a lovely alone day today and for a beautiful weekend. Special thanks to the Navy Band, the Army drum corps and Thomas Pandolfi for the beautiful musical performances this weekend – I’m really starting to recognize how important and meaningful music is (has been, and will be) in my life. I hope to blog more about music in the future as I use this blog to figure out my goals in life, because I’m fairly confident that music is a field I feel particularly drawn to.

On Doing Stuff Alone

Thoughts

A while ago, I got it into my mind that it might be fun to do an activity by myself. Being a natural extrovert, I’m one of those people who dislikes going places alone. But ever since I graduated college and started working, I’ve started really appreciating the little moments I have for myself – and so I wanted to take it a step further. I subsequently decided to sign up for a whitewater rafting trip.

I’ve always wanted to try whitewater rafting, but never thought I’d sign up for it alone. Since each boat usually has 4-6 people, it definitely seemed like one of those activities that you would sign up for with a group of friends. So as the date approached, I found myself feeling wary about going alone and trying to find other people who would go with me. As fate would have it, nobody could/wanted to go – and so I ended up going by myself.

I got to the bus stop and realized, with a sinking feeling, that nobody else was there alone. When I showed my ticket to the guide, he said, “You and her?” pointing to a random girl behind me. I shook my head no: “Nope, just me.” I sat through the bus ride by myself and started wondering if I had been crazy to go on this trip alone!

Once at the rafting site, we milled around waiting for yet another set of buses to take us closer to the river. I wandered by myself for a bit, trying to look – and feel – nonchalant about the fact that I was there by myself. I was relieved to finally board the second set of buses and sat next to a stranger who was part of a group of 5. I wondered if my seatmate’s group thought it was weird that I had just come on alone, but quickly brushed it off.

I ended up on a boat with three other couples – two of the couples were friends, and the other one was separate. And you know what? I had so much fun. Once on the boat, it wasn’t a huge deal if you went with someone or not because conversation was light and easy. The most difficult part for me was probably lunchtime, because the group of four and the other couple separated from each other – and, feeling bad that I had already tagged along for the boat ride, I didn’t want to attach myself to either party. So I stood alone, in the vicinity of my boatmates but not with them – and just ate by myself. In retrospect, it probably wouldn’t have been a big deal to stand with the group and make conversation.

The day overall was such a blast. The weather was absolutely perfect. Our boat ended up working together well enough that one of the guides told us to hang back after lunch so he could show us some more “advanced” routes. And I learned so much about myself.

If I had to describe the day in one word, I would probably use the word “empowering.” I felt empowered that I could go on this activity by myself and feel okay doing it – I even went out to dinner alone afterwards to continue my “alone day.” The biggest takeaway I have from the experience is an old adage: it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Any time I worried if I looked weird or awkward, I realized that even if someone was judging me, 1) I would probably never see them again, and 2) I actually felt internally confident so I didn’t really care. I learned to feel rooted in myself, knowing that I had CHOSEN to do the trip alone (well, if you ignore the part where I panicked/backtracked and tried to find friends). I realized that I was secure (and lucky) in knowing that I have family and friends whom I love dearly and that being alone at this one event meant nothing about me.

I really recommend doing an “alone day” – it’s so much fun and it’s nice to enjoy your own company. I wish I’d brought a book to read during dinner (and my phone ran out of battery) but even at dinner, it was so empowering to be confident that I had chosen to be there, alone, eating dinner – and I was happy to be doing so.

On Living Life to the Fullest

Thoughts

Over the last few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept of “living life to the fullest.” I’m starting to feel like all the articles I read seem to imply that living life to the fullest involves one or more of the following: travelling to new countries, going on adventures like climbing to the top of a really tall mountain, meeting strangers in cool places, trying new foods – you get the idea. But the more I think about “living life to the fullest,” the more I feel uncomfortable with how it’s commonly portrayed.

The way I see it, it’s implied that if you spend your entire life in your small town, you’re not living your life to the fullest. It’s implied that if you take the same path to work every day and never take vacations, you’re not living your life to the fullest. It’s implied that if you’re not taking certain chances to go somewhere, to try something new, you’re not living your life to the fullest.

But why should that be true?

What if you spend your entire life in your small town, working hard every single day to build a business in that town because that’s your dream, and you’re 100% happy because you’ve achieved that dream? What if you walk the same path to work every day, stopping to talk to that same street vendor on your way every time, and those conversations are what make life meaningful for you? What if the reason you work every day and never travel is because you’re beyond happy with what you’re doing, where you are, and who’s around you?

I’m dissatisfied with the implications behind “living your life to the fullest” understood by our generation and society. I think that the current image behind this phrase fails to acknowledge individual preferences and invalidates the perfectly valid status quo. It’s one thing if someone is dissatisfied by his day-to-day life, but what about the person who not only is satisfied but also is getting maximum utility from living his life as he always has?

I want to define, for myself, what it means to “live life to the fullest.” And I believe that is how it should be: for every individual, only he can define what exactly it means to live his life to the fullest. As I use this blog to pursue my definition of success, I hope most of all that I stay true to myself in these efforts. I want to live my life to the fullest by continually reaching for those virtues that I value most, even when I’m oh-so-frequently failing to do so. And if I feel inclined to stick in an “adventure” or two to feel fulfilled, I will do so – but I want to do it for me, not because that’s what media tells me I’m missing out on.

At the end of my all-time-forever-favorite book, Little Women, Marmee says, “Oh, my girls, however long you may live, I never can wish you a greater happiness than this!” What I love most about Little Women is that the characters seem to be living the most simple, ordinary lives – yet are so fulfilled in character, values, life; the final quote by the girls’ mother is a perfect way to portray the immense happiness found in their “ordinary” lives.

Living life to the fullest can mean such different things to everyone. In consciously realizing this, I feel so free to be true to myself in pursuing what exactly this means for me!

On Cancer

Thoughts

You know how sometimes people compare gossip to cancer? “Gossip is like a cancer, it can keep spreading until you can no longer stop it. Best to nip it in the bud and stop it while you can.”

The thing is, gossip isn’t like cancer. Because, unlike cancer, each individual has active control over working to stop the gossip. Not cancer, though. Despite your best efforts, your doctor’s best efforts, your family and friends’ best efforts – sometimes it just doesn’t stop.

Here is what I have learned about cancer so far in the last three months:

1) It is stealthy. If you’re lucky, you catch it early. But sometimes you’re not so lucky; you and everyone around you are going on through your day-to-day lives, totally unaware of this sneaky thief that is here to slowly drain you of your health and maybe even your life. And sometimes, by the time you find out, it’s too late. It’s irreparable, past the point of no return, leaving you and your loved ones and your acquaintances and your pets and your everything to face the inevitable end that has just become closer than anyone could’ve imagined. It really is sneaky, you know. How it can just be in your body without you even knowing – invasive, really.

2) It is unfair. I debated between using arbitrary and unfair, but settled upon unfair to express my distaste in cancer’s choice of victims. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but it’s utterly unfair that cancer shortens lives unfilled. Sometimes it feels like the kindest, smartest, funniest, sweetest people have to deal with this monster. And the most patient, loving, supportive caretakers are left to pick up the pieces left in its destructive path. Even regardless of personality, everyone is someone’s somebody – and so it is unfair that cancer exists. It is unfair that a life is cut short; it is unfair that there is suffering; it is unfair that all the treatment in the world might not be enough to stop it.

3) It is hurtful. Maybe it’s weird to describe cancer as “hurtful,” as if it’s some comment that damaged my feelings, as if I feel owed an apology. But it IS hurtful: physically and emotionally for the patients, families and friends. I have watched it hurt those around me in the last three months and felt helpless to stop it. You can pay for the treatments and hope for the best, but cancer doesn’t care and will rage on, or come back, hellbent on hurting everyone in its way. You can cry, and yell, and fight with all your might, but cancer doesn’t care and will go on its selfish way, indifferent – ignorant? – to the hurt it causes. You can love someone with all your heart, but cancer doesn’t care and will crush your heart into a million little pieces, leaving only fragments made up of memories and a love that will always linger.

In the last three months, I’ve learned that cancer will kill, but that somehow, life still goes on. I’ve learned that as it strikes, it brings desperation, desolation, depression to those around it.

In the last three months, I’ve learned to appreciate life as I never have before; I’ve learned how impactful someone can be without your consciously realizing; I’ve learned that tears of hurt are born from a heart of love.

In loving memory of my paternal grandmother, my coworker (current job), and my manager (past job). 

On Cheering Up

Thoughts

There have been a few times in the past few months when I’ve wanted to write a post, but I never felt strongly enough about something to write about – so months flew by without me blogging. I hope that I can keep up a more consistent effort to blog – I like it and it’s therapeutic, so why not?

Anyway, I’ve recently been on a campaign to increase my consumption of “grownup” material (read: stop spending so much time on Facebook and Buzzfeed, and move instead to reading news, learning different topics, etc). As a result, I’ve started listening to podcasts from HBR and TedTalks; scanning through different Quora topics in hope of life lessons I can learn, and reading Pulse on my phone for both edu and news purposes. This morning, I read an article titled, “Stop Telling Your Depressed Friends to Cheer Up.” 

This is something I’ve heard before but often fail to do. It seems intuitive to turn the conversation into a positive light; I try to “take their mind off it” or “act cheerful” – but deep inside, I can see that this doesn’t always work. At best, it’s a distraction from the actual problem. And at worst, as the article states, it suggests that “the relationship partner does not truly accept or understand their feelings.”

I used to think it was weird when I’d tell someone about my bad day and they would respond with, “I’m sorry.” I’d always reply with, “I mean, it’s not your fault” and create an awkward back-and-forth: “Well, yeah I know it’s not my fault, but I’m just sorry you had a bad day,” to which I’d reply, “Oh, thanks…?” (is “Thanks”  a proper response for this? I still don’t know). But I see the validity now in that response, where “I’m sorry” indicates that the listener cares about you and is empathetic enough to feel sad for you or with you.

I’m cringing internally now as I recall giving out this statement when talking to someone who was going through a funk: “I don’t get why you can’t just snap out of it. Just STOP thinking about it.” I took for granted my own happy mood at the time, assuming that it would be just as easy for someone else to “snap out of it” and just BE happy. What I didn’t realize was how hurtful that statement probably was: not only did I fail to understand and validate the person’s feelings, I even actively dismissed it!

As friends, peers, family, there’s only so much we can do; we can only listen to a certain extent before we realize that some problems just don’t go away. And with long-lasting issues like that, it’s best to seek professional help. But as long as I can be a listener and a friend, I hope to keep in mind that “cheering up” is so much easier said than done – I want to try to work on my listening skills, trying to empathize and feel the situation, and just being there for someone that I care about in the simplest ways that I can.

On Volunteering

Thoughts

My dreams of winning $1B a la Warren Buffet’s March Madness bracket contest have long been shattered (let’s be real, was anyone really going to win that?), but I’m enjoying the madness nevertheless. Even though my picks are based on near-zero knowledge of the NCAAB, it’s fun to see the drama unfold.

Today, I came across an article about Adreian Payne, who’s a senior on the basketball team at MSU. I’ve been seeing numerous headlines recently about Payne and his special friendship with his “little sis,” an eight-year-old girl he met when the Spartans visited a hospital. The more I read about this guy, the more I tears I was choking back: how hard Payne worked to fight through his own adolescence is remarkable, but how caring this big guy is to this little girl is just heartbreakingly beautiful.

As I read the articles about how Payne always made time for Princess Lacey, and how the pair text each other, Tweet each other, and truly care about each other, I was struck by their relationship: as far as I could tell, the relationship was not driven by any sort of external factors of wanting fame or recognition on Payne’s part. Each narrative further convinced me that this was a genuine relationship, that Adreian and Lacey love each other in the purest sense of the word. And even though I don’t have a way of knowing that for sure, I’m still so inspired.

I’ve volunteered on a fairly consistent basis throughout the years at various organizations. My intentions start out really genuine: I want to help people, I want to love others, I want to make an impact. But as the weeks wear on, I find myself making excuses for why it’s okay to skip visiting that elderly neighbor, why it’s okay to cancel teaching that piano lesson. And I see in myself selfishness, lazyness, and general disagreeableness; I see my commitments as a burden, myself as a martyr. This is a pattern that’s happened to me over and over again, where I forget why I began to volunteer in the first place and feel only annoyance at the prospect of my time commitment.

I think I’m so drawn to Adreian and Lacey’s relationship because that’s precisely what it is: a relationship. He doesn’t see it as volunteerism, and she doesn’t feel like a cancer patient that’s just being visited by a celebrity making his rounds at the hospital. There are no ulterior motives behind it; Adreian is not doing volunteer work so he can put it on his resume for job applications. Princess Lacey isn’t just looking for an autograph. Because of this, it is so easy for the pair to keep the relationship going strong: theirs is a genuine relationship.

Although this fact might be obvious, I’m so inspired by its simplicity and by its message. As soon as I finished semi-stalking the most beautiful relationship of March Madness, I called up the elderly gentleman I used to visit weekly. I knew what he would say when he picked up the phone, because this is what he always says when I don’t call for a long time: “Susan! Where’d you come from? I thought you’d disappeared!” I always feel a pang of guilt when he says that because I know that he’s lonely and that I stayed away too long, but the mean part of me also feels annoyance. “I’m VOLUNTEERING my free time to come see you,” my arrogant brain thinks, “What right do you have to make me feel GUILTY for letting it be too long before I come by?”

The truth is, I let volunteerism become all about me. What had started, in this case, as a genuine desire to brighten a lonely grandma or grandpa’s life quickly grew into an act of convenience for me, rather than a genuine relationship. But I’m starting to see that humility means seeing volunteering through a new lens: eradicating that label of “volunteer” altogether and seeing, instead, genuine relationships, genuine passion, genuine caring for each other.

I’m sad my bracket is busted, but I gained a far more important lesson this March Madness. Thank you, Adreian and Lacey, for inspiring me and reminding me what it truly means to help one-another.